1) The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.9) I'm not a complete idiot some parts are missing.
10) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car.
12) God must love stupid people; he made so many.
13) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14) Your IQ test score is back and the results were negative.
15) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
16) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17) Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18) Procrastinate now.
19) Rehab is for quitters.
20) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought that
he was God and I didn't.
21) My dog can lick anyone.
22) Party - my crib - two A.M. (on a baby-size shirt).
23) Finally 21, and legally able to do what I've been doing since 15.
24) All men are idiots and I married their King.
25) Adelaide: one million people, and 15 last names.
26) Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
27) I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun.
28) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
29) Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.
30) They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
31) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
32) Time's fun when you're having flies... Kermit the Frog.
33) Police station toilet stolen... Cops have nothing to go on.
34) Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.
35) A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times
the memory.
36) The Meek shall inherit the earth after we're through with it.
37) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a
pig.
38) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
39) Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
40) The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
41) My wild oats have turned to Shredded Wheat.
42) Mop and Glow - floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
43) NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning medicine.
44) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
