Joke of the day

Make us laugh or cry out loud with your wicked wit.
Post Reply
User avatar
2rods
Jedi Seadog
Jedi Seadog
Posts: 4918
Joined: Sat Jul 08, 2006 10:38 am
Location: Out fishing

Joke of the day

Post by 2rods »

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and
walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have
just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who
is Chinese; but there are no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't
understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and said thats because it takes place in the future.

:rofl:

Please note that these are not the views of the poster...... (don't take offence please)
Last edited by 2rods on Wed Sep 13, 2006 8:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.


:cheers:

2RODS


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If I can't be a good example, then I will just have to serve as a horrible warning...

As John Wayne once said:

"Life's tough......It's even tougher if you're stupid."
.........
User avatar
CodFather
Seadog
Seadog
Posts: 262
Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2006 7:40 pm
Location: Howard Springs

Post by CodFather »

hmm that'll stir the pot
Ray
User avatar
CodFather
Seadog
Seadog
Posts: 262
Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2006 7:40 pm
Location: Howard Springs

Post by CodFather »

Young fella from the city scores a job on a station.
first task given to him is to check the bore 15 mile down the road.
after 5 hour the manager calls on the 2way asking where he is and whats the holdup. youg fella replies I've hit a pig and it's stuck under the ute. Well there is a gun behind the seat pull it out and shot the pig and get on with the job. 2 hours late still no sign of the new hand so the manager calls him up again. Did you shoot the pig and get it out from under the ute. yes replies the new hand,well what's the bl..dy holdup. His frigging bikes under there as well.

sorry
User avatar
Brad the Lad
Seadog
Seadog
Posts: 284
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2006 12:10 pm
Location: Darwin

Post by Brad the Lad »

Prime Minister John Howard, Federal Treasurer Peter Costello, and Industrial Relations minister Kevin Andrews are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in Canberra.



Howard turns to Costello and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 note out the window right now and make someone very happy."



Costello shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 notes out the window and make ten people happy."



Not to be outdone, Andrews says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 notes out the window and make a hundred people happy."



The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Listen to those arrogant pr..ks back there, will you? Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make 20 million Australians happy."
fishing and beers,

wonder what the poor people are up to!!!
landlocked
Jedi Seadog
Jedi Seadog
Posts: 529
Joined: Wed Aug 02, 2006 8:06 am
Location: windorah, QLD

Post by landlocked »

my missus asked me the other night if i thought her breasts were small,
as a half switched on husband i said no there just right,
but if you want to make them bigger rub some tissue paper between them and that will make them grow but it takes awhile.
so the other night as she was rubbing away she asked me does it really work and i said it work on your arse did'nt.
From the heart of the channel country.
To be old and wise, one has to have been young and stupid !!!
User avatar
drifter
Jedi Seadog
Jedi Seadog
Posts: 1116
Joined: Mon Jul 03, 2006 9:31 am
Location: Saratoga NSW

Post by drifter »

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - - - pay me a
compliment".

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's absolutly perfect

(now thats one gutsy bloke) :grin:
User avatar
Blinky
Jedi Seadog
Jedi Seadog
Posts: 3309
Joined: Mon Jul 03, 2006 10:18 am
Location: Darwin. N.T.
Contact:

Post by Blinky »

Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia...

Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
Blinky

Find us on Facebook: Blinky's Lures
User avatar
2rods
Jedi Seadog
Jedi Seadog
Posts: 4918
Joined: Sat Jul 08, 2006 10:38 am
Location: Out fishing

Post by 2rods »

A bloke and his wife have there first kid and are finding it a bit rough on the money side of things so the wife says "we need to cut back and make a few sacrifices... no more beer! :o
The husband reluctently agread and a few months later he was in the kitchen and found a docket from the chemist for $100 of make up :evil:


He calls his wife in and gives here the 3rd degree about how he has given up beer but she hasn't given up anything :???:

She turned and said " I buy makeup so that I look good just for you..

The husband sighs and said "that's what the bl..dy beer was for"



:rofl: :rofl:
:cheers:

2RODS


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If I can't be a good example, then I will just have to serve as a horrible warning...

As John Wayne once said:

"Life's tough......It's even tougher if you're stupid."
.........
Oh Yeah

Joke of the Day

Post by Oh Yeah »

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have
to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get
to meet after dinner.



Oh Yeah
Oh Yeah

Joke of the Day

Post by Oh Yeah »

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing.

Oh Yeah.
Oh Yeah

Bottle of Merlot

Post by Oh Yeah »

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive
woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second not looking at the man,
and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was
lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches
in your pants".
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage.
There is over twenty-million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off.
"Just send the bottle back".
elkerr
Gold Member
Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 8:05 pm
Location: Darwin

Blonde

Post by elkerr »

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes.
They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten
glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and
chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting
grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the
roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She
walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table
erupts.
Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging
high-fives, all the while chanting"51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over
to the table. There in the centre is a beautifully framed child's
puzzle of the Cookie Monster.
When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the
blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in,
"Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we
decided to set the record straight.
Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the
side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

Regards Ellen Kerr :rofl:
Reel women do it better
elkerr
Gold Member
Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 8:05 pm
Location: Darwin

Wife gets hers back

Post by elkerr »

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the car, and fishing, always something more
important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only
a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep
the footpath."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

Regards Ellen Kerr :rofl:
Reel women do it better
elkerr
Gold Member
Gold Member
Posts: 78
Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 8:05 pm
Location: Darwin

The Drink

Post by elkerr »

THE DRINK

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
sitting
there having a good time together she starts talking about this really
great
new drink.

The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to
talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets
her
order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar - a
saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot
of
Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime
juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He
thinks - this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it

..... In one second the sharp lime taste hits ....

..... At two seconds the Baileys curdles ....

..... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits ....

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint
his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
"Jesus,
what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says,

"Blow Job Revenge" :rofl: :rofl:

Regards Ellen Kerr
Reel women do it better
Oh Yeah

Names

Post by Oh Yeah »

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill, What's yours?"

The man replies, "Tonto Papadopolos, nice to meet you."

Oh Yeah
:wink: :wink:
Post Reply
  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to “Jokes”