North Australian FISH FINDER TM forums

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going
at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse
and the effects it has on the human body."


The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?


The man replies, "That would be my wife."

In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Julia commented to Wayne, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT". Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Julia’s hand in his right hand and Wayne’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Julia Gillard spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Julia .

"Amen", said Wayne.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

3 blokes in a pub talking about what drives their wifes wild in the bedroom? a pom, a greek, and a AUSSIE?.the first two,s story were typical gush gush story,s BUT the aussie,s was a pearler?? wot drives my missus wild in the bedroom is, after sex ,WHEN I LEAP OUT OF BED AND WIPE MY DICK ON THE CURTINS !!!!!!!

$100,000.00 Dollar Question



A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.
Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.
He raced home and told his wife
"Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'
The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer.
Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."

Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks, "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."

"Um... the head."
"Good. Eight seconds."

"Um... the heart."
"That's right. Five seconds."

"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough! You've won $100,000!"

Hahahaha, classic will have to give that one a run tomorrow at work

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Julia Gillard".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Julia Gillard?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better already? Good!

Tomorrow we'll do Wayne Swan.

I stopped in to a Maccas outside Sydney.
When I walked in, the girl serving me was wearing a burqah.

As I got closer I noticed it was quite dirty and tattered and a bit smelly.

It actually put me off so I walked out and went across the road to Hungry Jacks.

I lined up again and there was another girl wearing a burqah. I was happy to see that it was clean and it actually was nicely decorated with beads and sequins.
That's when I realised - the burqah's are Better at Hungry Jacks!

John Clarke & Bryan Dawe skit

[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.

John: You’re the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: You know....... Nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.

John: You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: Yeah....a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: So.... You used to have one?

Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model – don’t know why I got rid of him -- biggest mistake I’ve ever made…

John: What happened?

Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.

John: Big mistake…

Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate – that was good.

John: Anything else?

Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: Didn’t stick around for long did it?

Bryan: Nah – had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.

John: What was the problem?

Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.

John: Whatcha got now?

Bryan: It’s a Gillard-Brown.

John: The hybrid?

Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system – not a good idea. An engine that can’t deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse…

John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason – that’s the one?

Bryan: The Fustercluck model.

John: The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery – but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.

John: So that’s why you’re here?

Bryan: That’s right. I’m stuck with a government that's wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the “Cash for Clunkers” scheme?

John: Join the queue brother.

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room
people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,


SLIM


TALL


38D BREAST


24" WAIST and


36" HIPS



When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

And last, but not least:

12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

Thanks windy, I needed a real good laugh

Dunno if this ones been done yet

A bloke wanders in after a hard days work, flops down into his recliner and flicks the tv on to watch the footy.
He calls out to his other half "Hey wife....get me beer before it starts"
His wife passes him an ice cold beer.
He slams that beer down within seconds and discards the empty can on the floor next to the lounge.
He calls out again "Wife....get me another beer before it starts"
Wife loyally passes him another ice cold brew.
Before she even makes it back to the kitchen the second can hits the floor with the familiar tink tink and takes its place next to the lounge.
A third time he calls...."Wife...get me another beer before it starts"
His wife storms into the lounge room with hands on hips, steam coming from both ears screaming something like "THATS IT!!! IVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR cr.p.....YOU WALK IN HERE LIKE SOME KINDOF ROYALTY BARKING ORDERS ....IVE BEEN SLAVING BENIND A HOT STOVE ALL DAY FOR YOU...BLAH BLAH blah" etc etc
Ol mate lifts his right hand up palm facing outwards and says "Forget it ......its started"!

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love.. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?" "Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"

The Biker at the Zoo

A biker is visiting the zoo in Brisbane when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A Courier Mail reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...

So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Australian Army and a Liberal.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

"AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home
to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu
that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around
the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate
suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,
"those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"