Joke of the day

Make us laugh or cry out loud with your wicked wit.
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nomad
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by nomad »

This is a true story
A mate and his missus were planning to have a baby so they had to do 'it' on certain dates.
.
One afternoon we both arrived at his place after work and as he opened the front door, she star-jumped out from behind the bedroom door totally starkers singing “surprise’

bl..dy surprise alright. I thought she was a blonde :D


Pecheur
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Pecheur »

You guys may know this one, but just in case you don't:

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad.... After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
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2rods
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by 2rods »

Proper use of tools explained...from a safety perspective of course

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh poop!'

SKILSAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
:cheers:

2RODS


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If I can't be a good example, then I will just have to serve as a horrible warning...

As John Wayne once said:

"Life's tough......It's even tougher if you're stupid."
.........
ken_dog
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by ken_dog »

Classic 2rods.......but i thought the "Drill Press" was a position not a tool??? :uhh:
wally gator
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by wally gator »

ABSULUTE GOLD 2 ROD,S passed it around at work ! and the boys are still crackin up ???? :applause: :applause: :applause:
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daleywaters
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by daleywaters »

Never heard that one before 2 rods, absolute ball-tearer!
Regards,

Dale

Carpe Jugulum!
ronje
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by ronje »

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happemed.

So he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God,Australia they decided to send it to Ju-liar Gillard.

Ju-liar was so amused that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a $5 note.

She thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delightedwith the $5.00 note and sat down to write a thank-younote to God, which read:


Dear God: Thank
you very much for sending
the money.. However, I noticed that
for some reason you sent it
through Canberra and that red headed, fat arsed bitch took $95 in taxes

\regards
Ronj
Regards
Ronje
shaggs
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by shaggs »

Took the missus for a trip to America to see the natives and get her off my case about not going anywhere
We met up with the chief of a local tribe and after an hour the chief says to me
I have an Indian name for your wife,three horses he say
I say to him what does the name mean
He says NAG,NAG,NAG
The past is history,the future is mystery,the moment is a gift and that's why it's called the present
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Melv
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Melv »

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,

"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even

using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried

really hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no

problem.

I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one

hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
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Windy
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Windy »

Reading above about Ju-Liar Gillard...reminded me of another...sure many have heard but nonetheless:

Latest addition to the menu at K.F.C - The Ju Liar Gillard Chicken Pack...

Two small breasts
Two large thighs
A red box


:mrgreen:
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Angry
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Angry »

Windy wrote:Reading above about Ju-Liar Gillard...reminded me of another...sure many have heard but nonetheless:

Latest addition to the menu at K.F.C - The Ju Liar Gillard Chicken Pack...

Two small breasts
Two large thighs
A red box


:mrgreen:
poop thats done it !!!

Dont think I'll ever,ever be able to eat KFC ever again...
Angry

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
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Windy
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Windy »

I've done you more good than Ju Liar Gillard then in a mere 5 lines Angry!!! :rofl: :rofl:
ronje
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by ronje »

Local brave asked the Chief " Chief. How come all braves have strange names?"

Chief replied " I name all papooses in tribe in line with the wonderful natural things that abound in our tribal lands.. When I'm told that a papoose has been born, I look at our heritage and name papoose after first notable thing that I see. That's why our braves have names like Eagle Soaring, Running Bear, Lone Wolf".

Tell me Two-Dogs-R--ting, . Why do you ask this question?
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ajbear
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by ajbear »

Im told Ju Liar Gillard isn't allowed to eat in Mcdonalds any more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently they already have one red headed clown!
Just remember if all else fails "try like F##K" !!!!!!!
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Angry
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Re: Joke of the day

Post by Angry »

You know you're Australian if ...

* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

* You think it's normal to have a leader called Julia.

* You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for

something illegal such as watering the garden.

* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans

"rooting" for something.

* You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black

thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

* You believe the 'l' in the word ' Australia ' is optional.

* You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its

highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

* You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really,

truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.

* You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but

'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

* You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast

spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.

* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they

stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

* Beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course.

* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any

rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

And "Living next door to Alice ".

* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has

become smaller with every passing year.

* You wear ugg boots outside the house.

* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by

an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order

takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude,

While 'scuse me' is always polite.

* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to

handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.

* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules

for beach cricket.

* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what

they call 'Anzac cookies'.

* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

* When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the

need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in

-o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo,

smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.

* You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located

in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are.

* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it

tastes like poop. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.

* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the

summer. Maybe even as perfume.

* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet

- to mean good. And then you place 'bl..dy' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.

* You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding

the tongs is always the boss and usually a man.

And the women make the Salad.

* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.

* You understand what no wucking furries means.

* You've drank your tea/coffee/Milo through a Tim Tam.

* You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.

* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as

barra. Or a meat pie.

* You know that some people pronounce

Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.
:D :D
Angry

"I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you"

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
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