Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the p..s out the underpants.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway.

_____________________________________________________________________________________
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

_____________________________________________________________________________________
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.


Sorry about those but I couldn't resist, bad jokes are the best because they are so bad

Whats red and bad for your teeth?
........a brick.

_________________

Ask me if Im an orange.

_________________

Are you an orange?

No

_________________

_________________

It's a slow day today, thought i'd add some more

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Saw this the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realised that what he was reading was impossible!!!


I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
That'll teach'm to be dropouts!
***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
***************************************************

Whast the difference between light and hard?





you can go to sleep with a light on

What's large grey and doesn't matter?........ An irrelephant.

------------—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's Forrest Gump's email password?......... 1forest1
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the perverted frog say?.......... Rubbit
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge....... Tequila
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him,
"You need to stop masturbating."
The man asks, "Why?"
The doctor replies,
"Because I'm trying to examine you"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think Matt might need to moderate bad jokes.....

_________________

Just found my new favourite joke.

What smells funny?

clown poop.

_________________

Last night when I reached for my liquid Viagra I accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper.

I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Melt them, turn them into a tire and call it a goodyear.


One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

1...Whats the difference between an elephants arse and a mail box????

_________________