sometimes I put my hands on the ground ,tuck my chin against my chest and lean forward.................cos thats how I roll.

_________________

OK I'll bite, what is the difference between an elephants arse and a mail box??

You certainly won't be posting th mail out....

_________________

What did the cannibal say after he ate the Clown?

"That tasted funny"

Pete

My brother has a zoo

Its only got one dog in it

Its a shitzu

What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?
I didn't do it on porpoise.

Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."

An Aussie bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,

"You remind me of my little toe"

She replies, "What?... You Mean because I’m small and cute?"

He says "No. I mean because I`ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk"

This is a true story- I was around my mates place having a drink , and his canadian missus is there- he says to me- 'you know why foriegn chicks like aussie blokes so much?' I shrug and he says ,'because we have big cocks and we're funny!' his girlfriend gives him a look and he says' Oh well we're funny...."

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.....yeah just to clarify....I'm not the mate Seano is talking about.

No, cos Cobie says you're not funny....either

Nice one Sarrge!!!!

Platinum.

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This post is going to go on forever

1. A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Oz just so that they can see their own doctor.

2. I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently, " A meal for two with a hairy view", is not the way to call No 69.

3. I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

4. Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them - they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and, to my horror, we had six matching balls!



Aren't statistics wonderful ?

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. 700,00

(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year - 120,000

(C) Accidental deaths per physician - .171%

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188 %

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor. This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner !

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors, before this gets completely out of hand !

Out of concern for the public at large, We withheld the statistics on .... Lawyers !

For fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

...what the??......I can hear you you know!.........

What do seamonsters eat?

Fish n' Ships

Aaaaaaaaaaah Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Get it? Fish n'......n' Ships.....like......

yeah never mind